On being single

One late Tuesday morning, I hurriedly stopped by at Starbucks in my office building. It was a stressful drive from Sucat to Ortigas and I was dying for a hot latte. Latte in hand, I headed for the door when someone caught my eye. Sitting in a black sofa was a slim woman in her early thirties. She was casually dressed in khaki shorts, white t-shirt, and running shoes. A white gold wedding band graced her ring finger, which held a broadsheet she was reading. The woman's baby boy was sleeping in her lap.

For days, I thought about my reaction to this scene. Looking at them, I felt emotion swell from my chest and throat, and brought tears to my eyes. Why??? (I was not PMS-ing, thank you!)

Someone inside me that morning---wanted to be that woman. To wake up and put on shorts and t-shirt on a weekday. To be free of the need to work outside the home full-time. To be able to sit in a Starbucks at 10am, drink latte, hold my child, and read the paper. I don't know her story, but what I saw was a young mother enjoying her life.

I'm a single woman, and it's true that I have a good life...it's not perfect, but it's a good life. I have a healthy family, great friends, and an interesting and rewarding job. But being single is hard sometimes. Most days the kind of companionship I long for in the world, I don't have. This feeling constantly drives me to seek answers from prayers, and the answer I consistently get is: Be patient.

What kind of an answer is that???

I've been patient enough! Should I keep hoping? For how long? I wrestled in prayers with hope and despair, stormed the heavens. But the answer is still the same---Be Patient.

I would comfort myself that some questions only have answers in heaven. People would ask me time and again why I'm not married, as if being single is a sickness that marriage can cure. And I always have a ready answer. But deep inside, at each passing year, I know that the chance of being a mother and wife is slipping farther away. Dark thoughts would sometimes enter my mind...maybe I am not capable of having a deep, committed relationship with a man, or I'm not attractive enough, not charming and intelligent enough, not sexy enough, not submissive at all! And because of that, I’ll be alone forever.

But I've learned to see the battle more clearly and I've found courage to face the future without fear. Whether I have a husband or not, I believe that I have a constant protector and provider. In my darkest hours, when I've come to the end of myself and tasted loneliness past to what I thought I could bear, I pray for strength and courage.

God has made me the woman I am...being single allowed me the opportunity to learn who this woman is. And I'd rather be single forever than be with someone who wants me to be someone else. This is me---Luna, who doesn't resemble Angelina Jolie, doesn't always say the right things, and is bored with sports!

I still have moments of loneliness and disappointment. But I know I've become a woman with greater capacity to love and I continue to struggle to become a better person. As I think back to that morning at Starbucks, I realize that God's gifts come in many forms, but they're all meant to accomplish that same single purpose---shaping me into a woman he created me to be.

Footloose and childfree

I've wanted to write this blog for weeks now but I don't know where to start, and what to write exactly to express what's inside my head. This really started a couple of months ago when my co-workers and I had lunch with one of our service providers. R, a single guy, told us that somebody sold him a newborn baby for P6,500, and he bought the baby! The baby is an 8th child of a poor family and the parents decided to give up the baby. He registered the baby boy as his child, took the baby to his hometown in Bicol and left him in the care of his sister. He sends support each month and visits the baby.

When we returned to the office, my co-workers started to suggest that I adopt a baby instead of lavishing all my love and attention to my dog, Fritz. What's wrong with that? But that night, I thought about it. Would a baby make my life happier, more meaningful, and more purpose-driven?

This is not the first time that I thought about adoption. A few years ago, my sister-in-law called about a college girl who gave birth to a beautiful baby. The girl wanted to give up the baby for adoption…my sis-in-law asked me if I'd be interested. My first instinct was to say yes…but after a few hours, the thought of raising a human being scared me! I'm surrounded with mothers…women at work, my girlfriends, and relatives.

I know what some women would be willing to go through just to have a child. Many women would leave a fulfilling career to be able to conceive. My high school friend went through an emotionally draining and expensive process to get pregnant. A co-worker had 4 miscarriages but she kept on trying until her last and 5th pregnancy where she and her husband spent almost half a million pesos to bring the fetus to full term.

I've been asked many times why I don't have a child. It is difficult sometimes to explain that I remain childless simply because I do not have a husband. I am uncomfortable with a child not having a father---no physical person u can look in the eye, no grave to visit, no photo album to pore over to see where the resemblance is. I think fathers play an important role in the lives of children. If I'd say I've been married 2 times and failed at each marriage---that would be fine, that would be normal. But never to have married is not.

There are married women who even develop certain smugness when they learn that I am not married and childless. When did I get to be a bad person because I never married? How did that happen? Because I was smart enough to walk away from a couple of guys who were pretty good catches, I may add---but in hindsight my instincts were absolutely right---it wouldn't have been a good marriage. When did I get to be damaged goods? So I've been told that I'm too picky, that my standards are impossible, and that I should adopt. Some well-meaning friends and relatives seem to make it their mission to remind me time after time after time that I'd grow old alone without a child. I was told that I don't really need a husband, just a child to take care of me when I am old. They maybe right (that I don't need a husband)…but I believe that bringing a child into this world for the purpose of having somebody to wipe my ass when I’m too old to do it, is a very wrong reason to have a child in the first place. I like babies, especially when I could return them to their parents after a couple of hours. I have encounters with children…they usually run away from me because I enjoy making them cry---by biting their pudgy fingers, tickle them, make scary faces, tell them scary stories, and then make them smile/laugh. I felt "maternal" when my nephews were still babies and a couple of times just recently. In the elevator at SM, a few-month old baby kept on smiling at me even when I was doing nothing. Suddenly, I felt my throat tighten and I had an urge to grab the child from her mother's arms and run away. That would be a sight---Look! A crazy woman kidnapped the baby! In a plane from HK, a boy of about 3 was trying to talk to me. The boy's dad tried to distract him but he kept on talking to me in a language of 3-year olds, and then later, sat on my lap. Well, I had the window seat---I guess, he wanted to see the clouds outside. Kids at the beach, malls, and parks are talking to me---and I don’t know why!

I bumped into a former officemate in the mall one weekend. I never really liked the woman but when she said hello (like we're old friends), I politely said hi. After the usual chika, she asked if I have children. When I said no, she said that she only felt complete when she became a mother---that it totally fulfilled her. I thought it was a blatant attempt to make me feel like I was not worthy because I am not a mother. Considering the source, I didn't take it personally, but looking at her---with dry hair, wrinkled skin, sagging boobs, my guess is, she never had an orgasm in years! OK, that was bitchy.:D

But wouldn’t it be nice if we respect our differences? It’s not that simple that this woman is childless---don’t assume that she’s not capable to nourish, cherish or indulge another human being. I find it amusing, even endearing when a man goes against the grain and does something like cross-stitch, but I know people who are suspicious of a woman who does not wish to nurture. I truly believe that we limit what it means to be a woman if we define womanhood within the narrow confines of motherhood alone. It is often difficult to understand the choices other people make. I can no more understand how my best friend feels about giving birth to her daughter than I can imagine winning a gold medal in the Olympics, performing brain surgery, or walking the streets begging for food. We give birth to ideas, to relationships, to works of art, to hope, to peace, to children, and to each other. I go on, day after day, doing the best I can. And I would like my decisions in life, whatever they may be, to be respected, and my choices considered as valid as anyone else's.

Lil' JJ

Babies, as innocent and powerless as they are, make the world go round. As soon as they are conceived, they make you give up a lot of things you love---like smoking, late nights, alcohol, roller-coaster rides, binge eating, bungee jumping, non-stop shopping. Having a baby is a life-changing experience, according to my friends. Babies make you feel hopeful about the future, that the next generation will right the wrongs done by the older generation. But don’t discount the fact that having a baby can also cause apprehension. The world is a dangerous place; people seem to stop caring about each other anymore.

All things considered, there seems to be no right time to have a baby these days. The cost of raising a child is staggering, especially for a single working woman. So I was surprised when a friend of mine decided to get pregnant anyway despite the indecisiveness of the baby’s father. I admire my friend’s courage in going through her pregnancy alone…I meant, in the absence of the man who got her in that condition.

With our outdated traditions and sometimes bizarre social customs, I’m happy that the laudable Filipino family values are still alive today. We have a tremendous support system that is not common elsewhere. And my friend is very lucky to have this kind of support from her family.

Let’s welcome JJ, my newest inaanak! This little boy is a bubbly and delightful bundle of joy…not to mention, good-looking! Nagmana sa ninang!

If I have a monument in this world, it is my son.
~ Maya Angelou

My net worth

“You need to find a husband,” Jason, my hair-stylist, announced while massaging my scalp. I pretended not to hear and continued to read a magazine. He ignored my silence as he blabbered about a single male customer of his who was “just right” for me. There was a time when such comments about my single state would rub me the wrong way.

To Jason and the others who meddled in my personal life, a woman my age should be in the happily-ever-after set---not still waiting for Mr. Right. If a woman my age hadn’t walked down the aisle and tied the knot, folks thought something was wrong with her. An elder relative even asked me once if I was a lesbian!

For many years, I agreed with them. The word single sounded like a disease to be avoided at all costs. If being single was so great, then why did most of my friends constantly date in an effort to head toward the altar? And why did the single women I knew seem like miserable misfits? There was my 3rd grade teacher who played the piano until the wee hours of the morning. My grandfather's cousin, Lola Deling, braided flowers in hair and was mad as a March hare.

I concluded marriage and motherhood equaled “success” for a woman; singleness branded her a failure. Thankfully, as I got older, I got wiser. My notion that a woman’s worth is based solely on her marital status was challenged. Over the years my eyes were opened to the many ways I am considered a success---even as a single woman. I had the best lessons as a single woman through a few forgettable dates. I refused to compromise my standards---it was mostly met with anger and disappointment but I held on.

Instead of needing a husband and kids to find my worth as a woman, I’ve come to realize success is measured only in knowing what you value and you stick with it. With God shaping my perspective, there’s no such thing as failure.

The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.
~~~~~

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.
~ Carrie Bradshaw